Down 'n' Dirty
by Flagg1991
Summary: Lincoln and Clyde are virginal losers who can't get their girlfriends in bed until Lisa helps them out, but Ronnie Anne and Penelope aren't the only ones getting down and dirty with the boys. Oneshot. [Commission]


"Hey, losers, how they hanging?"

Lincoln Loud cringed. Next to him, Clyde's jaw clenched.

They were sitting at their usual table in the cafeteria - the one off to the left and situated perfectly between the bathrooms and the vending machines. Their friends, Tabby, Penelope, and Stella sat across from, the latter doing her first period homework, the, uh, next to latter eating, and the former listening to music on her phone, head nodding back and forth. It was late May and graduation was coming up. All were eighteen and all had good prospects in life: Tabby worked at Spenser's in the mall, Penelope cleaned cages at the pet shop downtown, Clyde had been accepted into Upper Peninsula University Online, and Lincoln babysat his younger sisters for literal pocket change. _Here ya go, son, _Dad would say at the end of a long, gruelling night, then hand him sixty-eight cents and a piece of lint. Because she was Asian, Stella's mother was a high-riding, ball-busting tiger mom who turned her into basically a human computer. She was going to either Harvard or Princeton. She couldn't decide which.

Every group has that underachiever.

Poppa Wheelie wedged his titanic bulk between Clyde and Lincoln, then looked from one boy to the other. "Short, shriveled, and untouched like always?"

Three months ago, Poppa Wheelie drove Cristina out to the lake in his battered hand-me-down station wagon and, well, they got it on. The next day, he came to school pounding his man tits about it and would _not _shut up. He overheard a conversation Lincoln and Clyde were having with the girls about being virgins - they were all virgins - and next thing you know, he's making fun of them, and so are all the other guys in school.

"Go away," Clyde said.

Instead of leaving them alone, Poppa Wheelie took a giant whiff, wafting air into his nose like a perfume snob or something. "Smells like virgin over here."

Tabby, who had taken the buds out of her ears, sneered at him. "I think that's the sweat from under your breasts, mate."

Short and scrappy with short black hair and a gap between her teeth, Tabby was one of Luna's friends before Luna moved out to play the bar scene in Great Lakes City. She was either British or used a fake British accent 24/7. She wore a purple jacket covered in rips and safety pins and a checkered skirt that hung just above her knobby knees. She spent a lot of time on them putting things away at work and it showed.

Poppa Wheelie's doughy face rippled like wind-swept Jello. "I don't have breasts," he said.

"Yes you do," Penelope pointed out.

"Yeah, look at them," Stella said. "They're really big. I wish _I _had breasts like that."

"Me too," Penelope said.

"Aye, me three," Tabby put in. The cruel glint in her eye told Lincoln she was enjoying picking on Poppa Wheelie.

For a second, Poppa was silent, then he rapidly blinked against the tears forming in his eyes. His D-cups quivered with indignation, and his bloated cheeks turned red. "I _don't _have breasts," he said thickly. He spun on his heels and waddled off.

"What a loser," Tabby said.

"He's an asshole," Stella said and returned to her homework.

Lincoln sighed and went back to his lunch, his face burning with shame. He had been with Ronnie Anne since seventh grade, when she moved back from the city, and Clyde had been with Penelope since last year, so they had girlfriends, but neither one of them was brave enough to nudge their relationship in _that _direction. Lincoln figured the liberal, and respectful, thing to do would be to let Ronnie Anne decide when, and Clyde agreed. They didn't want to be pushy, knuckle-dragging brutes and make the girls feel coerced or anything. That was some shit boomers did. Not him and Clyde, they woke and enlightened gentlemen. That Ronnie Anne (and Penelope) hadn't initiaed anything told him they weren't ready yet.

Which was fine.

Totally fine.

Heh. It's not like Lincoln was a knotted ball of hormones who sometimes got hard just from holding her hand. Nope. Not him. And he never, ever had dirty dreams about her sun-kissed flesh, midnight hair, salacious smile, warm, tight body…

Someone dropped into the seat on his left and he jumped. "Hey, lame-o," Ronnie Anne said. She opened her milk and took a drink. "Did I miss anything?"

"Just that fat poof Poppa Wheelie," Tabby said distastefully.

Ronnie Anne made a sound of disgust in the back of his throat. "I wish he'd have a heart attack and fuck off already."

Lincoln choked on his green beans, and Clyde gave his back a firm, life-saving slap. Ronnie Anne favored him slyly from the corner of her eye, her smile sharpening at the edges. She said things like that all the time - awful, rude, terrible stuff - mostly because she knew it scandalized him.

"Then they can cut off his breasts and give them to Penelope," Stella said without looking up from her book. "Out of us all, she needs them most."

Penelope pursed her lips and shot Stella a dirty look, her nostrils flaring. Far be it from Lincoln to judge or shame someone's body, but she _did _have the smallest bust of the girls. She showed her breasts to Clyde once and he said they were a "handful". Not that there's anything wrong with that, just, yeah, if anyone could benefit from having Poppa Wheelie's hairy man boobs grafted onto their chest, it would be her. "You're not very big either," Penelope said.

"Bigger than you," Stella said with a smug little smirk. She crossed her legs with a flourish and went back to her homework.

The bell rang a few minutes later, and Lincoln took his tray to the window. His next class was history and he made his way to his locker to grab his book. There, he put in the combination, opened the door, and grabbed it. Next door, Clyde opened his own locker. "I'm getting really sick of that virgin stuff," he said bitterly.

"Don't let it get to you," Lincoln said.

"I really wish -" he cut himself off.

"What?"

He sucked his lower lip into his mouth and thought for a moment, visibly trying to decide whether or not he should say what was on his mind. "I just wish Penelope was ready."

Lincoln sighed. "Yeah, I wish Ronnie Anne was ready too."

Down the hall and around the corner, Ronnie Anne leaned against her locker and threw her head back with a groan. Next to her, Penelope rummaged through her locker. "I'm gonna do it," Ronnie Anne swore.

"You keep saying that," Penelope said.

Ronnie Anne nodded grimly. Yes, she did, and no, she never went through with it. "This time I mean it."

She and Lincoln had been dating forever and she loved him. He was kind, sweet, cute, and just the right amount of dork. Being with him made her feel good and the warm happiness that cuddling with him stoked in her chest was the most beautiful sensation she had ever known.

But she had one teensy weensy complaint.

He wasn't putting the moves on her.

At eighteen, Ronnie Anne had been ready to take things to the next level - the sexy level - for over two years, but she couldn't do it herself because, c'mon, that's the guy's job. In her culture, the man is supposed to sweep you off your feet and carry you to bed. Yeah, maybe it was old fashioned, but isn't it romantic? That he wants you...then he takes you? She thought it was, but she was beginning to think that it just wouldn't happen. Lincoln was...well, he wasn't that type of guy. Not all of them are. Therefore, it fell to her to get the ball rolling. She kept putting it off and putting it off because it wasn't that big a deal, then every once in a while, her body kicked into overdrive, she got really horny, and it sort of _was _a big deal.

"You should do the same with Clyde."

The color drained from Penelope's face and her eyes widened, lending her the appearance of a deer in the headlights. "Uhh...no, I'm fine."

Penelope was a strange case. She wanted it, but she was absolutely convinced that it would kill her. _I felt him through his pants, _she confided to her once, _he's really big. He'll probably split me in half_.

"You can do _other _things, you know," Ronnie Anne said. Her heartbeat sped up and her mind instantly began to create vivid pictures of those other things. "Lucky bitch."

"I don't feel very lucky," Penelope said.

"You should."

The bell rang again, and heaving a sigh, Ronnie Anne went to class. Maybe she'd do it later when she and Penelope went over to Lincoln's house to study with him and Clyde. She could drag him into a dark place and…

...ummm.

Maybe.

Or maybe not.

Sigh.

* * *

Lincoln Loud sat against the headboard of his bed and lazily paged through an Ace Savvy comic while Clyde perched at the desk under the window texting with Penelope. "They'll be here in a few minutes," he said.

Every afternoon, Ronnie Anne and Penelope came over to hang out. They did homework, watched TV, played video games, and listened to music. Normal things that normal couples do.

Except for the no sex part.

When Lincoln got home an hour ago, the house was empty save for Lisa, who stood in the middle of the living room in a lab coat over her sweater and ate a sandwich while watching rap videos on BET. "Where is everyone?" he asked.

"Our parental units are at work, Lana is helping Skippy tar his roof, Lola is at cheerleading practice, Lucy is chairing a meeting of the Young Mortician's Club, and Lily is staying the night at a friend's house."

Oh.

Okay.

Presently, Lincoln closed his comic and tossed it onto the nightstand. Because Clyde followed him home like a lost little puppy, he didn't have time to masturbate, and he was _randy_. He didn't know if he could take lying on his stomach next to Ronnie Anne and reading from Chapter 5 for two hours. Her body pressed lightly against his, her smell in his nose, the hem of her shirt riding up the smooth curve of her back to reveal a band of bronze flesh…

Ugh.

Kill me now.

A knock came at the door, and before he could call out, it opened and Lisa came in bearing a silver platter laid with a pitcher of water and a stack of plastic cups. She came over to the desk, sat it down, and regarded him with one of those unnerving analytical stares she was so famous for. Uh...why? Lisa didn't usually play butler to him and his friends.

Cutting right to the chase, as she was wont to do, Lisa said, "I've heard you and Clyde are both virginal losers who couldn't get secure consensual copulation in a house of ill repute."

Lincoln's heart sank. "Where did you hear _that?" _

"It's a lie," Clyde said, "I swear."

Lisa held up her hand. "I honestly couldn't care less. Only fools place any sort of value on virginity, positive or negative. Your problem, however, did give me an idea." She produced a vial from the pocket of her lab coat. "This is a synthetic hormone enhancer specifically designed to stimulate the female sex drive. I plan to sell it to a pharmaceutical company if all goes well. I'll make millions."

Lincoln pressed his hand to his head. He had so, so many questions, and didin't know which he was going to go with until he heard himself ask, "Is it safe?"

"It worked on the lab mice."

"We're not -"

"You know damn well that lab mice are genetically close enough to human beings to serve as suitable test subjects. I simply need you and Clyde to slip this to your female company and then report back."

Lincoln gaped. Wait, that meant -

Seeming to read his mind, Lisa said, "You and Clyde will most likely engage in premarital coitus with Penelope and Ronnie Anne within the hour."

Something akin to fear rose in Lincoln's chest. He wanted sex, sure, but now that it was a looming possibility…

"Close your mouth," Lisa said, "you're going to catch a fly."

Lincoln snapped his mouth closed.

"Here," she said and handed him the vial. "Report back when you are finished. Also, I added a birth control component so we won't wind up with any accidents." She nodded to the water. "Simply put some in there and watch the sparks fly,"

Lincoln opened his mouth to reply, but Lisa was already gone, the door clicking shut behind her. He looked at the vial in his hand, then to Clyde, who watched him with a wide-eyed expression. Lincoln gulped and cast about for something to say. He suddenly felt very self-conscious and _extremely _unprepared.

He thought of Ronnie Anne's body, her smile, kissing her, unwrapping her one article of clothing at a time, like a present, until only her purple socks remained. He and Clyde looked at each other again, then he jumped to his feet, fought the cap off, and dumped the concoction into the water. His hands were shaking, and Clyde leered at the pitcher like a pervert peering through a night time window. "Woot, woot, make it rain."

Lincoln grinned. This was gonna be -

The door opened and Ronnie Anne poked her head in, eyes suggestively lidded. "What're you two doing in here?"

Lincoln and Clyde exchanged a glance, then grinned. "Nothing," they said in innocent unison. Lincoln dropped the vial behind his back and kicked it under the bed.

"Good," Ronnie Anne said and opened the door, "'cuz we got company."

Huh? Company?

Ronnie Anne came into the room, and Penelope followed.

Then Stella.

Then Tabby.

Oh, goddamn it! Great! There goes _that. _

Clyde visibly deflated, and Lincoln's hands clutched into fists. This close...he was _this _close.

Tabby sat on the foot of the bed with a bounce, Stella sat on the floor, Penelope stood awkwardly over Clyde, and Ronnie Anne jumped onto the bed and lay in Lincoln's spot. She wore hip huggers and a shirt that rode up her taut belly, and her hair pooled around her head like a dirty halo. God, Lincoln wanted her so bad. He -

An idea occurred to him.

He looked at the pitcher, then at Clyde. Clyde picked up on his train of thought and swallowed. _Should we? _Lincoln mouthed.

Clyde grimaced...then, when Penelope laid her hand on his shoulder, he nodded eagerly.

Lincoln hesitated. If he gave some to everyone, God only knew what would happen, but the fog of lust choked his brain and he didn't care.

Picking the pitcher up, he poured four cups for the girls, then two for him and Clyde because why not? "Here," he said and handed one to Ronnie Anne. "You look thirsty."

She hummed. "I _am _thirsty."

"Then drink this. Now."

She took the cup and downed it at a draught. Clyde gave one to Penelope, then to Stella and Tabby. Ronnie Anne sat her cup on the nightstand and sat up. "Alright, lame-o, get over here, we're on chapter - "

She hitched like she was going to puke, and her pupils dilated.

It was working.

Oh, my God, it was working!

She pressed her hand to the side of her head and licked her lips. A pink blush spread across her face and her breathing became heavy, almost a pant. Tabby stared down at her feet, her face wan, then she squeezed her legs closed like she had to pee. Penelope's face turned bright red and she took deep, wheezing breaths. Stella, on her knees, slipped her hands between her legs and held herself as if to keep her vagina from gushing all over the floor. Her face was strained, eyes wide in alarm. "Uh...I-I don't feel good," she said.

Clyde and Lincoln grinned at each other.

"Something ain't right, mate," Tabby said.

"I'm, uh...I feel weird," Penelope said.

"Why don't you sit down?" Clyde asked and gestured to his lap.

Normally, she would have balked at that idea, but now, she took him up on it, dropping on with clumsy drunkenness. Stella wiggled and squirmed, and tossing her head back, Tabby began to rub her legs together.

Now's my time to shine.

Lincoln sat on the bed next to Ronnie Anne. "Hey, how are you - ?"

She snapped her head up and a wild light gleamed in her brown eyes. Lincoln's heart stopped, and before he could react, she grabbed him by the front of his shirt and dragged his lips to hers. He flailed his arms like a big, white-haired bird, and when her tongue pried open his mouth and slipped over his, an electric jolt shot down his spine. She kissed him deeply, passionately, and slowly the fight ran out of him. He was tingling now, and lightheaded. His erection throbbed against the inseam of his jeans, so hard it hurt, and fever enveloped his entire body. What was happening? WHAT WAS HAPPENING?

Then he remembered.

Lisa's drug.

It was working on him too.

Across the room, Penelope turned in Clyde's lap and hooked her legs on either side of him. Fire burned in her eyes, and Clyde gaped. He honestly didn't think this would work. "I'm horny," she said. With that, she took his face in her hands and fused their lips. Clyde threw his arms out on either side of him as she attacked his mouth, then, as the drug took hold, he wrapped them around Penelope, smooshing her body needily to his.

Stella, face red, watched with a longing mewl, and Tabby stroked herself as she oogled Lincoln and Ronnie Anne. Ronnie Anne was on top, her knees caging Lincoln's hips. Her butt, thrust into the air, wiggled playfully back and forth, and Tabby's inner lesbian was _very _pleased.

Penelope and Clyde toppled to the floor with a crash, and Penelope scrambled on top of him, pinning his wrists above his head. Gone was the timid field mouse of only a few minutes before; in her place was a hungry lioness smoldering with desire. She kissed his lips, his chin, his neck, nippled his ear. Her hands crept under his shirt and her fingertips traced the outline of his naked chest.

Ronnie Anne broke from Lincoln's lips and stared down at him, panting. Her shirt was gone and a silver crucifix hung between the fleshy globes of her pert breasts. Her messy hair obscured her face, lending her a harried appearance, and her eyes roiled with animal lust. She pulled back a little and fumbled desperately at the front of Lincoln's jeans. She couldn't get it, growled her frustration, and ripped so hard the button popped off. She ripped them down, and his dick sprang out.

"Holy shit," she marveled.

On a normal day, Lincoln came equipped with a standard six inches, but today it was ten, if not more. Thick, throbbing, and glowing with heat, it looked like Scott Stiener flexing on Ric Flair. Biting her lower lip, Ronnie Anne raked her nails down his naked chest, then giggled at his moan of pleasured pain. She lifted up, yanked her jeans down her shapely hips, and freed the source of her heat. Her dank smell filled Lincoln's nose like an aphrodisiac and his erection grew another inch.

Penelope used a pair of Lincoln's dirty underwear to tie Clyde's hands in front of him, and Stella tied her own panties around his eyes as a blindfold. Penelope pulled tight, then Stella dragged his pants down. They both gasped at his epic size. Seven inches before, it was eleven now. Penelope had always been both repelled by and attracted to her boyfriend's huge cock, but now...oh now…

She curled her fingers around it, and Stella molded her lips boldly to his tip. The warm, wet sensation of her mouth knocked a moan from Clyde's chest and a shudder went through his body.

Ronnie Anne lifted, aligned hers and Lincoln's sexes, then settled, her folds slipping wetly over his head and his shaft sliding into her. She splayed her hands on his chest and jerked down, the sting of her cherry popping bringing a hiss to her lips. She could feel every inch, every ridge and contour from his crowned apex to the strong cord at his base. It hurt, but it felt good too, and biting her lip against the moans, she began to rock her hips.

Lincoln closed his eyes, then opened them when a shadow fell over him. Tabby, skirt hiked up, grinned over her shoulder. "Mind if I sit here, mate?"

Her ass, spread to bare her pink, glistening center, lowered onto his face, and the wild tang of her arousal, and the searing heat of her bubbling core, enfolded him.

Stella and Penelope took turns sucking Clyde, their tongues sliding wetly over his shaft and meeting, their kisses coated in saliva and precum. Penelope mounted him and impaled herself on his dick, the explosion of pain in the center of her head drowned out by the crackling sensation in her loins. She bent, grabbed his hair in both hands, and began to furiously rut, his head pounding her limit and scraping her insides.

Ronnie Anne threw her arm behind her and braced herself, her motions speeding up. Her perky breasts bounced with the rhythm of her movements and strands of sweaty black hair hung in her face Tabby grinded herself against Lincoln's face, her closed eyelids rippling and her lips slightly parted. Her sweet juices trickled down Lincoln's chin and coated the inside of his mouth like oil. Ronnie Anne bounced faster, harder, and he didn't know how much longer he could last.

Spent, Penelope fell off of Clyde and lay quivering on the floor. Stella took her place and sank onto his rod with a sharp inhalation. Her walls formed tight around him and her muscles clamped down, squeezing him. She let her body adjust a moment, then bent over, planted her hands on either side of his head, and rode him like he owed her money. "How does that feel, you little bitch?" she heard herself ask. She never cussed, but it somehow felt right.

"So good," Clyde whispered.

She brushed her nose against his. "Call me mommy."

"Fuck me harder, mommy," Clyde begged.

She kissed him and thrusted even harder.

Tabby grinded faster, her orgasm building in her stomach. Ronnie Anne cried out, then bucked as Lincoln's load spurted deep into the chambers of her womb. She brushed her hair behind her ear and leaned back, allowing his dick to slip out. Tabby leaned over and took it into her mouth, the mixture of his and Ronnie Anne's essence pushing her closer to the edge. Lincoln dug his nails into her butt cheeks and made love to her clit with his tongue. She froze, then without warning, she came with a long, wavering cry. Her body shook, her eyes rolled back in her head, and natural lubrication gushed from her opening.

Stella wrapped her hands around Clyde's neck, bore down, then squealed as they finished together. She swayed drunkenly from side to side, then fell over and stretched out next to Penelope. Six naked bodies, flushed and coated with sweat, lay strewn around the room like corpses on a battlefield. Tabby pushed herself up on trembling arms and caught her breath. "I dunno what that was all about," she said, "but I fookin' loved it."

Everyone else agreed.

* * *

Poppa Wheelie pulled a Twinkie from his lunch box, licked his lips, and tore open the packaging. He was just about to shove it down his gullet when Loud and McBride sat across from him, along with their friends. Stella and Penelope clung to Clyde, Stella smiling against his cheek and Penelope running her hand over his chest. Loud put his arms around Ronnie Anne and Tabby, and they rested their heads on his chest. Loud smiled smugly. "What's up, loser?"

"Excuse me?"

"Remember that one time you got laid?" Clyde asked. "With one girl?"

"Yeah," Lincoln said, "sucks to be you." He turned, and as Poppa Wheelie looked on in shock, he French kissed Tabby.

Then Ronnie Anne.

Then he leaned over and did it to Stella. Clyde winked at Ronnie Anne, and she bit her bottom lip. _Any time, big boy_.

Poppa Wheelie's head spun.

"We have a harem now," Lincoln said.

"And what do you have?" Ronnie Anne asked.

"Aside from breasts?" Stella added.

"And a little dick?" Tabby put in.

Poppa Wheelie started to speak, but Penelope cut him off. "He _does _have that Twinkie."

"Like he needs one," Clyde said.

"Fatass," Lincoln snorted.

Poppa Wheelie flinched. "I'm not fat," he whined, "I'm just big boned."

All six of them laughed, and Poppa Wheelie's eyes started to water. "That's what they all say," Stella said.

"But you're a liar," Lincoln said. "You're just fat."

"I'm not -"

They all laughed again.

"He doesn't even have a harem," Clyde said dismissively. "What a chump."

"I do have a harem…"

"Where is it?"

"They don't go to this school," Poppa Wheelie said.

"Liar," Lincoln said.

"Liar," Clyde said.

Ronnie Anne: "Lying fat bitch."

"I bet he can't even satisfy one woman," Penelope said.

Now Poppa Wheelie was crying. He threw his Twinkie to the ground, got up, and stormed off, their cruel, mocking laughter following him all the way.

He did have a harem.

Honest.

When was gone, Clyde kissed the side of Penelope's throat. "Who's up for an orgy in the janitor's closet?"

Turns out, everyone was.


End file.
